dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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