Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
