i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
