and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
false alarm, still single
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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