I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
