Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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