you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
