I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
