she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
