im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
