First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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