if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
