my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
