I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
