The maid of honor just puked.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
