I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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