He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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