We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
