Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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