in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
