he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
