I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
