I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
