I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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