i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
