At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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