I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
