Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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