I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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