Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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