I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
