One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
