so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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