Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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