sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
