and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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