I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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