MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
