There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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