he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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