if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
