When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
