mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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