My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
