i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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