Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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