Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
