That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
