I hate your face
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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