I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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